I'm seeing ghosts now.

HAMLET
[Within] Mother, mother, mother!
{Frustration and anger.}

QUEEN GERTRUDE
I'll warrant you,
Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming.
[Gertrude waves Polonius off, looking around the corner for Hamlet. Line said in an urgent whisper.]
POLONIUS hides behind the arras
Enter HAMLET
HAMLET
Now, mother, what's the matter?
[A mocking tone.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
[Gertrude: Don't play coy with me, son! She is flustered.]
HAMLET
Mother, you have my father much offended.
[Snaps back. Frowning.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.
[She raises her finger and wags it disapprovingly.]
HAMLET
Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.
[Throws hands up in feign defense.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Why, how now, Hamlet!
[Face turns red.]

HAMLET
What's the matter now?
[Mocking. Again.]
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Have you forgot me?
[Eyes widen, hands clutch chest.]

HAMLET
No, by the rood, not so:
You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife;
And--would it were not so!--you are my mother.
[Says so with a slight laugh.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.
[Moves to leave.]

HAMLET
Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;
You go not till I set you up a glass
Where you may see the inmost part of you.
[Gestures to seat, grabs Gertrude, then pulls her towards a mirror.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?
Help, help, ho!
[Flails.]

LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] What, ho! help, help, help!
[Tries to get out of arras.]
HAMLET
[Drawing sword] How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead! [stabs]
Makes a pass through the arras
LORD POLONIUS
[Behind] O, I am slain!
[Falls and dies, blood pooling around Hamlet's foot.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
O me, what hast thou done?
[Hands to cheeks, face pale. Gertrude looks with horror at Hamlet.]

HAMLET
Nay, I know not:
Is it the king?
[Distractedly answers mother, nudges body with foot, peers at Polonius with curiosity.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!
[Backs away]
HAMLET
A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother,
As kill a king, and marry with his brother.
[Full attention now on Gertrude, walks towards her with hand in the air after gesturing to "Claudius."]
QUEEN GERTRUDE
As kill a king!
[Stops, confused.]

HAMLET
Ay, lady, 'twas my word.
[Lifts up the array and discovers POLONIUS. Angry.]
Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!
I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;
Thou find'st to be too busy is some danger.
[Gertrude backing quickly away] Leave wringing of your hands: peace! sit you down, [Pulls Gertrude onto chair]
And let me wring your heart; for so I shall,
If it be made of penetrable stuff,
If damned custom have not brass'd it so
That it is proof and bulwark against sense.


QUEEN GERTRUDE
What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue
In noise so rude against me? [Very pale.]


HAMLET
Such an act
That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,
Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose
From the fair forehead of an innocent love
And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows
As false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deed
As from the body of contraction plucks
The very soul, and sweet religion makes
A rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:
Yea, this solidity and compound mass, [points to self]
With tristful visage, as against the doom,
Is thought-sick at the act. [Spits on floor.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Ay me, what act,
That roars so loud, and thunders in the index? [Confused.]
HAMLET
Look here, upon this picture, and on this,
The counterfeit presentment of two brothers. [Points to portraits, stares at father's picture.]See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury [Starts to look a little lost.]New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
[Turns to Gertrude violently, thrusts her face towards portrait.] This was your husband. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your husband; like a mildew'd ear,
Blasting his wholesome brother. [Gertrude tries to close eyes] Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? [Lets go of mother, walks around the room as he starts to ramble] Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind? [Turns to mother]
[Gestures to his eyes] Eyes without feeling, [Touches sleeve]feeling without sight,
[Tugs on ears] Ears without hands or eyes, [Brushes nose] smelling sans all,
[Runs towards mother] Or but a sickly part of one true sense
[Comes within two inches of her face. Voice steady and lowered.] Could not so mope.
[Pulls back.] O shame! where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,
If thou canst mutine in a matron's bones,
[Walks around chair] To flaming youth let virtue be as wax,
And melt in her own fire: proclaim no shame
When the compulsive ardour gives the charge,
Since frost itself as actively doth burn
And reason panders will.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
O Hamlet, speak no more:
[Covers eyes] Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.

HAMLET
[Waves hand across face to brush her words away.] Nay, but to live
In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,
Stew'd in corruption, honeying and making love
Over the nasty sty,--

QUEEN GERTRUDE
[Covers ears] O, speak to me no more;
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;
No more, sweet Hamlet! [Shakes head]

HAMLET
A murderer and a villain;
A slave that is not twentieth part the tithe
Of your precedent lord; a vice of kings;
A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,
That from a shelf the precious diadem stole, [Takes a coin from a shelf]
And put it in his pocket! [Shoves in pocket.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
No more! [Shakes head, eyes closed, hands over ears, stomping feet like a child.]
HAMLET
A king of shreds and patches,--
[Enter Ghost]
Save me, and hover o'er me with your wings,
You heavenly guards! What would your gracious figure? [Eyes widen, face pales, steps back at sight of ghost]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Alas, he's mad! [Opens eyes in horror.]

HAMLET
Do you not come your tardy son to chide,
That, lapsed in time and passion, lets go by
The important acting of your dread command? O, say!

Ghost
Do not forget: this visitation
Is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose.
But, look, amazement on thy mother sits:
O, step between her and her fighting soul:
Conceit in weakest bodies strongest works:
Speak to her, Hamlet.

HAMLET
How is it with you, lady? [Triest to be concerned, steps closer to mother.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Alas, how is't with you,
That you do bend your eye on vacancy
And with the incorporal air do hold discourse? [Cries.]
Forth at your eyes your spirits wildly peep;
And, as the sleeping soldiers in the alarm,
Your bedded hair, [touches his hair] like life in excrements,
Starts up, and stands on end. O gentle son,
Upon the heat and flame of thy distemper
Sprinkle cool patience. [Touches his cheek] Whereon do you look?

HAMLET
On him, on him! [Gestures towards ghost] Look you, how pale he glares!
His form and cause conjoin'd, preaching to stones,
Would make them capable. [Turns away.] Do not look upon me;
Lest with this piteous action you convert
My stern effects: then what I have to do
Will want true colour; tears perchance for blood. [Fingers bloody sword.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
To whom do you speak this? [Looks around questioningly.]

HAMLET
Do you see nothing there? [Voice is a little frantic.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Nothing at all; yet all that is I see. [Shakes head. Rises.]

HAMLET
Nor did you nothing hear? [Voice deadly quiet.]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
No, nothing but ourselves. [Voice concerned.]

HAMLET
Why, look you there! look, how it steals away!
My father, in his habit as he lived! [Turns back around, gestures to where the ghost moves]
Look, where he goes, even now, out at the portal!
[Exit Ghost]

QUEEN GERTRUDE
This the very coinage of your brain:
This bodiless creation ecstasy
Is very cunning in. [Thinks it's a joke.]

HAMLET
Ecstasy! [Laughs.]
My pulse [points to chest], as yours, doth temperately keep time,
And makes as healthful music: it is not madness
That I have utter'd: bring me to the test,
And I the matter will re-word; which madness
Would gambol from. [Quiets voice a little] Mother, for love of grace,
Lay not that mattering unction to your soul,
That not your trespass, but my madness speaks:
[Voice raises.] It will but skin and film the ulcerous place,
Whilst rank corruption, mining all within,
Infects unseen. Confess yourself to heaven;
Repent what's past; avoid what is to come;
And do not spread the compost on the weeds,
To make them ranker. [Seems almost to be pleading.] Forgive me this my virtue;
For in the fatness of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
O Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain. [Clutches heart.]

HAMLET
O, throw away the worser part of it,
And live the purer with the other half.
Good night: but go not to mine uncle's bed;
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
[Walks to mother, grabs her shoulders] That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good
He likewise gives a frock or livery,
That aptly is put on. [Lets go, walks towards door.] Refrain to-night,
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And either [ ] the devil, or throw him out
With wondrous potency. [Gestures for her to leave.] Once more, good night:
And when you are desirous to be bless'd,
I'll blessing beg of you. For this same lord,
[Pointing to POLONIUS]
I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,
To punish me with this and this with me,
That I must be their scourge and minister.
I will bestow him, and will answer well
The death I gave him. So, again, good night.
I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.
[Gertrude starts to speak.] One word more, good lady.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
What shall I do? [Voice scared.]

HAMLET
Not this, by no means, that I bid you do:
Let the bloat king tempt you again to bed;
Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his mouse;
And let him, for a pair of reechy kisses,
Or paddling in your neck with his damn'd fingers,
[Gets excited again.] Make you to ravel all this matter out,
That I essentially am not in madness,
But mad in craft. 'Twere good you let him know;
For who, that's but a queen, fair, sober, wise,
Would from a paddock, from a bat, a gib,
Such dear concernings hide? who would do so?
No, in despite of sense and secrecy,
Unpeg the basket on the house's top.
Let the birds fly, and, like the famous ape,
To try conclusions, in the basket creep,
And break your own neck down.

QUEEN GERTRUDE
Be thou assured, if words be made of breath,
And breath of life, I have no life to breathe
What thou hast said to me. [shakes head.]

Mr. Coon, I have been trying to post this beast since Friday morning. This is probably my twentieth time trying to post this monster. It hasn't been letting me keep the coding when I post. If this doesn't work, you may see me at school Monday morning with patches of hair absent from my head because I have ripped them out in frustration. Here's to hoping I won't have to go into a wig shop!